After over a decade of being single, my social life had “dried up”.  When my social scene started dwindling, I found ways to “entertain” myself.  I’d watch movies, go to my local bar alone, read a book on my deck, or hit the gym.  But after too many years of doing these things, they stopped being entertaining and started being painful reminders of how alone I felt.  I begin to binge eat and my new weight gain, just made me feel more discouraged.  Everything else in my life was great – my family, my friends, my job but with each passing month of solitude, I became more and more discouraged. 

I entered the year determined to change my lifestyle.  I knew that I had to make a bold change.  In February, I decided to move to the North Shore.  I was going to rent my townhouse and find a place to rent in a nice community setting where I’d be more apt to meet people.  It was a difficult plan to implement for many reasons.  Renting my most valuable financial asset is a scary proposition and finding a good tenant is not an easy feat.  It was also difficult to leave my family and everything that was familiar about my life.  Trying to coordinate the timing of the move was nearly impossible. Lastly trying to get my townhouse staged, basement cleaned, belongings packed and moved  was a lot of work.   In 2 months, I successfully completed the process.

I can’t believe I made this happen.  I’ve only been here for one short month but I can already tell you this was the best move I could have made.  The positive feeling that I have from physically changing my surroundings is immense.  I love my new home and new community.  I love being close by to some of my close friends. I love exploring a new area.  I feel so good that I brought about this big change in my life.  I know now that if I can make this happen, I can make anything I want to happen.

Everyone has moments in their life where they feel like they’ve failed.  When you’re in a moment of failure, life can feel very dark and hopeless.  Ted’s story teaches us an important lesson.  Even when you have failed in the greatest way possible, it’s still possible to create good in your life and it’s never too late to attain the life that you want to have.  I’ve known a few people who have chosen to end their lives because they felt that they couldn’t move on, life was so dark for them, they saw no hope for their future.  It’s important to look at the very public example of Ted Kennedy’s life to see that there is no failure great enough that can eradicate the possibility of creating good in one’s life. 

Failure should be regarded as a lesson learned but not as a reason to stop trying.  We all get one life to lead and that life is a gift.  One dark moment doesn’t obliterate the possibilities that may come in time.  Life is a series of moments.  At the end of one’s life, it’s the net sum of those moments that one’s life should be measured by not the failures alone.

To be honest, I’ve considered this question before. As a divorcee of 10 years, I can’t help but explore this topic on an ongoing basis.

The very definition of marriage doesn’t lend any insight into this question. According to Wikipedia, marriage is a social union or legal contract between individuals that creates kinship. It is an institution in which interpersonal relationships, usually intimate and sexual, are acknowledged in a variety of ways, depending on the culture, demographic, and/or religion (if necessary).

The Wikipedia definition describes marriage in a very mechanical way. That’s okay if we’re talking about a union involving inanimate objects. However, marriage involves 2 human beings. When human beings are involved, variables such as emotion and free will put a wrench in the very neat scenario that Wikipedia describes. So one must look beyond the institutional definition to see how marriage works in real life.

After all these years, I have a better understanding of what went wrong in my own marriage. I’ve also observed the relationships of those around me including my parents. After much soul searching, I truly believe that one of the major reasons that my marriage failed was that both parties weren’t willing to work it out. Certainly, there may have been compatibility issues but could those have been resolved if both parties were willing to try?

Through observing the relationships around me, it certainly seems for a marriage to be successful it has to be a two way street. Compromises need to be made along the way. And both parties need to not only work hard to nurture the relationship, they also need to work to maintain their own sense of self. There are certainly struggles along the way. It’s impossible for 2 individuals to be on the same page at all times. I know from looking at couples around me that hard times hit all couples. And yes, they may struggle with those challenges and lose their way but it’s the mutual commitment of both parties that eventually leads them back to each other. Unfortunately, we’re shown a very overblown, romantic and unrealistic view of marriage by fairy tales and Hollywood movies. These very graphic examples sometimes give us a very unrealistic expectation of marriage. It’s important to really take a good look at couples around you to get a good glimpse of a real marriage.

As I’ve watched my parents over the years, I’ve seen them deal with many challenges and rocky times. Most recently, they’ve struggled with managing the care of their elderly parents. It’s a road that has required many sacrifices from each of them but they remain endlessly supportive of each other. Even during this challenging time, they commit to taking time to have a date on Friday afternoon because they recognize that their relationship still needs to be nurtured even after 40 years. It’s this sort of vigilance and work ethic that makes their marriage successful.

I’d like to close with one of my fondest memories of my parents as a couple. It was a summer evening a few years ago. My sister and I had stopped by late in the evening to discover them sitting on the patio with a pizza box and a bottle of wine between them. They had sat down hours prior for dinner but had talked into the evening with moonlight as their only source of light. It was an inspiring sight to me and one that I’ll always remember.

While it was a sad event, it was also a learning and a bonding experience.

Unfortunately, my grandfather “Pepere” wasn’t always the most loving person in our family.  He was often absent pursuing his own interests and when he was there he was often caught up in his own life.  We know he loved us mostly through hearing the stories of strangers who tell us the stories or pictures he’s shared of us.  But he never expressed his love or affection to his family. 

Pepere had 2 sons, my Dad and my Uncle Moe.  Growing up, we saw Uncle Moe, Aunt Sue and my cousins on holidays and major occasions.  We always got along but we were never close.  Over the years, my cousins and eventually my Uncle Moe and Aunt Sue moved to Pennsylvania.  One would think that this new physical distance and now the passing of my grandfather would make us drift further apart. 

Fortunately, it’s brought us closer.  I think as we’ve all grown older, we’ve come to appreciate the meaning of family and as a result each other.  I also think that the physical distance between us has forced us to work at making time to see each other and it’s also afforded us the opportunity to stay together under one roof when we do see which other, This has helped us to get to know each other better. 

The week that Pepere passed away was a sad one but it was also a powerful one.  It brought my family closer together and when we parted, there was a feeling that a bond had been forged and that we were now family not only in name but in practice. 

Looking back at this experience, I realize that family relationships don’t just happen because 2 individuals are related.  They need to be nurtured by both parties.  Both parties need to try.  The effort doesn’t have to be elegant or graceful.  It just has to happen.  Maybe sometimes the effort is not reciprocated or maybe we fail to reciprocate the effort of another.  But at the end of the day both parties need to try.

Flashback – My 27th birthday.

My marriage was ending.  I was suddenly faced with the prospect of starting a whole new life.   I hadn’t found my niche yet in my career. Suddenly my life was unstable and uncertain.  I had to find a new home, cultivate new friendships, and learn to be alone.  While my life once had stability, now that was gone and everything was foreign and new.

My 37th birthday

I’ve been single for a decade now.  While my romantic life is often a source of adventure, my lifestyle has become stable and comfortable.   I’m an established marketing professional with my own home.  I have a great relationship with my family and have lots of wonderful friends.  I’ve had so many life enriching experiences and trust me when I tell you that I have stories that I’ll be telling for years to come.  I’m proud of the life that I’ve built and I’m excited about new possibilities that lie ahead. 

Lesson Learned

Setting goals in life is good because they give us direction.  But it’s often not the actual goal that is important but the lessons learned along the way.  We also don’t know where our journeys will take us.  It’s often the detours along the way that teach us the most and bring us the furthest.